im back, shillzles.

So I haven't updated in a long time, and the only reason I am now is to be petty, because there's no one here now to listen to my meanness in action, so I have to yell at the internet. It's reaction free, but on the plus side, it's reaction free. You get me?

So, tonight I attended the Dallas Black Dance Theatre performance at Tower. It was a lot of fun, der, esp. since I met Rachel, Kendell and Natasha at Livingstone's first and went in a "better state of mind." Plus, everyone was in great spirits, so that helped. Ha Ha! Spirits! I'm so funny.

Then we went back to Livingstone's, and that was fun too. And I get flirtatious, cause, you know... and so I was flirting with Phil, the only straight guy in, what, a thirty mile radius? I mean, obviously I was flirting with Sebastian, Adrian, Danny, everyone I know, etc. as well, but they all know the drill. It's harmless, my man hates the social scene, I'm celibate and it's hard. People get my plight, except for Phil. Phil thinks I have the hots for his sexy bod-day. Har dee har har.

See, cause maybe, just maybe, I kinda did, only now I totally don't, because he is so freaking full of himself! Like, how used to "it" he is, and how he's been through this whole debacle of being lusted over and "claimed" by chicks in the theatre department. (What, so I'm gonna claim you Phil? Pul-lease.) And how he has a history and he has this problem where he's so effing charismatic that he knows wherever he goes people will just be smitten and he'll just have to deal with the endless adoration of the idiots.

Good Grief.

Yeah, so I'm taking some liberties with the dialogue here, but I swear, that's how it came across to me, and I was trying to flirt with this guy. Harmless! Really! And it gets all serious and pretty soon I'm apologizing about his mysterious history and being too forward.

Remind me that that's totally unnecessary next time, beause it completely killed my buzz.

Date:	2004-12-30 21:23
Subject:	the sod roses grow from
Security:	Public
Mood:	complacent
Music:	... Ray Romano whining somewhere?

What up, homie-boys? (Today has been one of my "in the hood" days, when it rains and I'm more or less in a cheerfully sour mood, and I get to wear sweatshirts with the hoods up over my ultra-cool Me'n'Ed's hat and think to myself, over and over, "I'm in the hood!")

I like my family. Check, I love my family, but for-serious, they make me so ... so .... I don't know, icky? I get emotional constipation around Christmastime. I try not to, because it's supposed to be glorious, I know, but I'm not as nice as I ought to be and I can't help myself. The holidays turn me against myself, and I always end up looking like an esh. Yes eshem, folks. (Armenian, for the uninitiated).

I think I just get antsy, without school and projects and goals and deadlines. During the holidays everything gets put on hold. I'm not an 'on hold' sort of girl. I need to be on two lines at once, if anything.

Kim's leaving soon. What can I say about that? It just is.

Alana called, reminding me that if I manage to get into Cal Poly I must live with her. Too bad I have no clue where I'm going, whether or not I'll get in, what's going to happen to Tom ...?

I make it sound so bad. It's not bad, I just don't write as much about the happy stuff as I should. I am in a good place, I am striding forward, I will dance and run and get a PhD. Everything's coming up roses.

I'm reading Kim's diaryland journal right now, and I realized (though not for the first time by any means) that I haven't updated in a long time.

But then, then I realized why that matters -- because, seriously, I need to update. I want a chronicle. I need a way to remember, even if it isn't as eloquent and heartbreaking as kim, as hilarious as dooce, or as overstuffed aristic as ihavebeenfloated. Even if it's some thirteen year old inspired list, it needs to exist:

1. I ran the CA International Marathon Dec. 5th (Sunday)
2. That same day I did two performances at Fresno City, my first with Stephanie as director.
3. It was an exhilerating day
4. I was robbed and carjacked the friday after Thanksgiving at gunpoint while working. He took my money, the pizza, my truck, and my brand new Esprit purse that I got on sale at Macys. So far, I've gotten everything back except the purse. Thank the Lord for the cops in Clovis, they're my heroes - but where's my freaking purse?!?!
5. It was really scary, but still not as scary as you'd think it would be. I really thought he'd shoot me though, especially since he (and his female accomplice) were both unmasked and told me to face the wall with a gun pointed at my neck while they hijacked my stuff. I didn't cry, I was too shocked.
6. That whole debacle got into the paper, and they've caught him (cause the chick he was with turned him in to get off, apparently she thought they were gonna get caught) ... His name is Keith, and girls I know from jazz class knew him in highschool. His dad's a cop. It's actually really sad.
7. In a way, I don't want him to go to jail a long time.... I don't want him to just, you know, get off with nothing, but he's young. I don't want to be the stupid mistake that destroyed his entire life.
8. On the other hand, it makes me feel a lot safer knowing he's in custody.
9. But I still deliver, at night, in the same area. I'm not really any more scared than before. It's pointless, and it was random. Why spend my time being scared? That would be dumb and wasteful.
10. I tell people that, and they look at me like I'm crazy while simultaniously telling me they're "impressed". What's that suppossed to mean?
11. Then FINALS came, at school. these werent just finals, and they weren't Finals either ... they were FINALS. All capps. No bull.
12. I probably will get a C in Physics. It was hard, I accept it though. I couldn't have done better, not this semester. Too much going on.
13. I lost my Driver's Bag last Sunday (12/12).
14. Yeah, that sucks. So now I owe Me'n'Eds roughly $300. I'm working on it. I refuse to tell anyone who will try to come to my rescue. I'm working 9-10 hour days, and trying to make it up in tips, because besides needing the $300, I'm screwed for Christmas presents, and I got another speeding ticket, so I have to go down to the courthouse as soon as I have time and....
15. ....Beg to do community service instead of pay. That's right, that'll be me you see on the side of the highway because I will not let my parents know about this, it's too lame. And it's my problem, I need to deal with it.
16. I applied on Nov. 30 to Cal Poly Pomona, Cal Poly SLO and Berkeley archicture programs. I hope I get in somewhere. Competition gets tougher every year, and --------

that's it for now, i'm tired. later.

Date:	2004-11-22 22:02
Subject:	AHHH
Security:	Public
Mood:	stressed
Music:	The bell of a happy kitten

hi...

I'm a terrible person to keep a journal... it's all too complicate to express in a little box.

Today:

Awoke: 6:30 AM

...bathed, left

School: 8:00 - 11:00

Mall for compulsive shopping trip because life is stressing me out and debt is better than puking, right, right?: 11:30 - 12:30

Jamba Juice, for pumpkin smoothy goodness: 12:45

Fresno State library to study for Physics exam on Wed. Saw Jon Miller (yes, you heard right). Looks the same -- very weird: 1:00 - 3:45

Home, watched Oprah's "Favorite Things" show. Salivated with jealousy about things I don't even want (how does she make everything look so sparkly and cool?): 4:00 - 5:00

Running: 5:30 - 6:30

Dance Rehearsal: 7:00 - 9:00

Home, to finish hw and canoodle with Tom (who's on his way)...: 9:30 +

So, for lack of anything, that's that.

In addition, tomorrow I go on a field trip with the architecture class to San Francisco to go to the CA College of the Arts and some museum.

Oh, and my TinT money is due Nov 29, and do I have it all yet? NO. I am having conniptions every few seconds, just to stay on top of things.

And did I mention that I haven't had time to finish my essay for my Berkeley application? And all this stress would have me dying if I was a weaker woman? Did anyone catch that I just alluded to my own DEATH.

Ahh, finals season. I love it.

Date:	2004-11-18 13:22
Subject:	My knight without armour
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Tiny Dancer - Elton John

Tom took his real estate test for the second time this morning ... I was with him last night, and things weren't going well.

He's not a dark, distressed person really. He doesn't have an outlet. He wasn't meant to be as sad and worried as he is, as he has been.

It's like expecting a penguin to fly -- he just wasn't built for this sort of thing.

Last night, he was just ... hopeless. I know a big part of it is because of his parents, and all the pressure they keep piling onto him, but it's something else too. He needs to succeed at something, or else he may just give up. Last night he was so afraid of failure that he just kept repeating how much it didn't matter to him that he get a real estate license, but of course it does. Even if he doesn't need it technically, he's still spent so much time on it ... after all, what else has he been up to the past month?

Oh, he probably won't pass. He gets such terrible test anxiety. Oh crap.

I want my love to be enough, but I know he he needs himself as much as he needs me. I can't be everything for him, even if I want to be.

Date:	2004-11-11 17:11
Subject:	My dream of being a dairy cow
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious
Music:	Tori Amos - covering APC's "Hollow" (it's OK)

I'm reading about inducing lactation in a non-pregnant woman. I didn't know that could be done, and I think it's strangely interesting. Also, I keep reading that breast milk A) tastes like soy milk (which I like very much ... weird), and B) is highly projectile (IE, it can be used to squirt someone across a room).

So, I'm extra curious. I mean, don't lactating boobs swell, like, quite a bit? And doesn't it make them more sensitive? And wouldn't it be cool to be able to use my boobs as a secret squirting weapon?

Seriously, all that stuff sounds highly cool to me. So, yeah, I'm not necessarily interested in having kids, and while the idea of pregnancy and birth is foreign and scary to me, lactating sounds ... neat.

Oh, and look here! You also burn more calories while lactating, and breastmilk can be sold! For money ... a lot of money, apparently. It says here that a woman managed to raise enough money to buy a car by selling her breastmilk. People, that is just crazy.

I'd never have to work again.

I'm not finding any cons here, besides possible inconvenience. I suppose lactating women have to either feed someone or pump multiple times each day. That could get obnoxious. Of course, working can also get obnoxious.

I think I need to go find something productive to do now...

Date:	2004-11-10 11:47
Subject:	Confession
Security:	Public
Mood:	silly
Music:	Suspicious Minds - Elvis Presley cover by No Doubt

Today in Physics Emmanuel turned to me and said (with a giggling fervor): "I am so hyper right now I am about to just tickle you so much!" Note, this was in Physics 4A, the class with all the geeklicious engineers and math majors, people who do not, I think, have tickle fights.

It was hilarious.

It was also a turn on.

He has a great smile. And a nice body. And he's smart.

But I love Tom.

But I have waited a long, long Tom for Tom - with Tom - to get his act together.

Emmanuel has a girlfriend anyway.

Am I a bad person?

I think I'm just impatient. And maybe horny.

Date:	2004-11-09 23:30
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Preludio for guitar - C Minor, Agustin Barrios-Mangore

So, I just wrote a reply email to some posts on here made by Mr. Brad, and I initially had no intention of posting said email (that's why it was an email in the first place) but then it turned out to be sort of long, and since I so rarely stay on "topic" (hah! As if my life is organized enough for topics!)I decided, heck, I'll post my email.

But first, I'll say this: I am not mean. I don't want people to die. In my heart, I'm a pacifist, but I also have a brain, and it tells me that things aren't always so easy.

So, here goes ...

In reply, I'll start by saying that the reason I used Tom's family as an example wasn't because they were my sole example. In the past few years I have met (for a variety of reasons) a lot of people who have immigrated, or visited the US from, the Middle East. Many if not most of these people have not been Armenian and were/are not among the minority in their countries (which are, to list: Iraq, Iran, Egypt, Israel and Jordan). In fact, many people who I've talked to have been Islamic and intended to return to Iran, Iraq, etc., after finishing school at the US, not all, but many of them, supported the war (or going to war, in some cases). The reason I used Tom's family based in Iraq as my example was twofold: first, it was the first thing that came to my mind as I wrote in my journal, and secondly, I know Tom's family very well and their particular situation came to me as being specific to the problems in Iraq and as a personal example. I never meant to refer to them as the "end all be all this-is-how-things-are-over-there" illustration. I merely noted that they happened to live in a highly central area of Iraq currently being bombed by the US, but they still appreciated the effort in the war.

Also, perhaps I am misunderstanding, but are you suggesting (here: "That is something akin to saying that Mexicans/Hispanics are a good example of why it would be good to invade the US and start bombing us, because if all the Mexicans were driven out of the US, as they are a minority figure as well like the Armenians in Iraq, they would definitely support an invasion of America") that Armenians are being driven out of Iraq? Trust me, they are not. In fact, many have a difficult time leaving when that's what they want to do. To go on and state that Armenians are, like, "YAY SLAUGHTER" is just being ridicules. I never said that, and neither has anyone I know. The bombs I mentioned were in reference to Tom's family's home, so obviously, they might possibly be among those getting slaughtered, and I doubt they're in favor of that. I said that they supported the war despite the danger to themselves, not because of the danger to those around them who they didn't like.

In response to "Everyone deserves to live, as good and bad are matters of opinions, perspectives, and angles" I would say that you're almost on the right track. If it came right down to it, I'd be more likely to agree that everyone deserves to die, and we all live now in a state of unnatural grace, because by no means does humanity in any sense deserve existence. That doesn't change the fact that I would like the majority people to live regardless, that I want people to be happy, and that I am opposed to death, destruction, etc. I suppose it just comes down to the fact that what I think doesn't always match up with what I feel. I feel people should live, but all the proof in the world (war, hatred, and thievery, so on) suggests that they should not. And when it comes down to it, while most people have the capacity to change, be better people, be pretty OK people, etc., some people don't. Some people are past that, in a bad way.

Going on, when I said that I believe some people do deserve life more than others, I meant specifically those who would destroy the most lives. Do you honestly believe everyone can just "live and let live"? I honestly believe that that would be fucking awesome, but I also honestly believe it would be fucking impossible. I believe that for the majority of people to live basically happy (or at least pleasant) lives some people are going to have to go. Those people (in this case, controlling dictators for example) might believe they are being wronged - they might be correct - but their demise could mean hope for hundreds. People should not have to live in fear, and under dictatorships like those of Saddam Hussein and Ayatollah Khomeini (just two for examples) people must. You could try to suggest that those governments were either instituted by, or at least accepted by, the people of those countries, but they were not. Instead, those governments were instituted by a highly active minority, or the governments changed after important figures came into power (much as Hitler's government progressed in Nazi Germany).

I don't see the war in Iraq as "cultural genocide" because I don't see a culture being destroyed. What culture? Islamic Fundamentalist? They are not being destroyed by this war. Islam is the majority religion around the globe; it can't be destroyed by something as puny as American firepower. If you mean Iraqi culture, than I don't see that being destroyed either. The Iraqi people are in a war now, and it is bad. I get mad all the time by the lack of media coverage here in the US, because it is so pathetically apparent that all the time we (US citizens) are forgetting that there is a war and we are in it and people are dying because of it. We should mourn those deaths every day. Still, death among a people is not death of a people. The Iraqi people are not going to be annihilated by this war. If anything was going to kill that culture, it was the government of people like Saddam Hussein, a man who killed his own people on a regular basis, and has been quoted saying things like (in response to accusations of killing political opponents): "Of course. What do you expect if they oppose the regime?"

I see this as a chance to give the Iraqi people - not wealthy leaders brought up in a warped info structure of money, power and intimidation - a chance to create a government for themselves. Let it be an Islamic government, let it be whatever. I just think that corrupt dictatorships ought to be overthrown, for the safety of the world and of the people being lorded over.

Finally (although doubtless I've left a lot to think of later and go 'crap - I should have said ...'), I think it's interesting that you believe it takes "black" to have "white." Why do you assume that? Just because there is pure hatred in the world, how would that justify pure love? Pure love is not the opposite of hatred, or vice versa. They are totally separate, and neither requires the other to exist. In fact, one definition of pure love is the total absence of hate (although I'll admit that hate is not always the absence of love in all forms). Just because hate is a feeling that requires passion, and love often invokes passion, that does not mean that love requires hate. How terrible if to love you were required to also hate! I know I have hated, I know I occasionally hate still, but I know it is not "pure," I know myself, and that hatred is always clouded by pity, regret, disgust and sadness. But I do know I have had moments (just moments) of pure love in my life, despite the lack of hate.
I said gray exists because I believe in this world there is no perfect person, so there is no one who only loves, totally lacking hate. I don't think anyone is that good. So, in my analogy, there was no pure "white" to begin with. However, the existence of "gray" means that there is a mixing of love into the darkness of mankind's instinctive inclination... that there are moments, sparks of pure, unadulterated love flying around, coloring our lives with light. I want more of those moments to go around.

I think it's more than unfortunate (there are no adequate words, really) that war must exist, that people must die ugly, shocking deaths because of other people, but at the same time I think that so long as people exist who don't mind killing and maiming to get whatever they want, deaths like that will exist. I think the only way to stop that is to step in and pull out the killers, or in this case, a system that sets up killers. I see it sort of (not exactly) like a cancer. In order to beat cancer you cannot befriend it, accept it, live with it... It will kill you anyway. It doesn't care, it just wants to take over and rule all the cells of your body with an iron fist. To defeat cancer and live freely, you have to battle it with surgery and chemicals. There is blood and gore and pain all along the way, and it is very, very ugly. But, because of the struggle, sometimes, many times, the cancer can be defeated, and removed, and killed. And because it has died, you can continue to live.

Date:	2004-11-08 12:41
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful
Music:	a humming sort of silence

I realize this is a little late, but ... (big sigh of courage):

I voted for President George W. Bush. And he won! I picked a winner!

Although, to be serious, I didn't think he would win. That could be because I spend most of my time hanging out with students who are predominantly liberal in their political nature, or maybe because I get most of my news via liberal internet sources. Anyways, it doesn't matter, because I got the shock of my life when I saw on my TV screen a giant map filled with red states. Holy crap -- Bush won that much?

And then I got on Dooce (because I love Dooce and in general she's my home girl, even if she doesn't have any idea who I am) and proceeded to read a jillion comments concerning one of her daily photos, all frightfully upset (vomiting in wastebaskets at work? sheesh) about the outcome of the election. So, in my own little way, I just wanted to validate Bush.

I know a lot of people voted Bush for "moral" reasons, etc. And sure, Bush is probably a morally OK guy, but then again, so is Kerry. I doubt either of them are murderous fiends in real life, despite contrary media blips. With me, it came down to the war, and Iraq, and all the reasons most people who voted against Bush voted. I heard on the radio that the majority of people who voted Bush did so because of domestic issues, which is fine, but ... where were their heads at? At this point in time, it's the global issues that matter. The world is changing, and the U.S. (as per usual) is deep in the mix.

Now, some important background:
My boyfriend is Armenian by race, but his parents are only recently U.S. citizens, having been born and raised in Iraq. So, Tom is a first generation Iraqi/Armenian-American, if you will. Thus, a lot of Tom's family still resides in Iraq, where we are currently having a war (duh). And you'd think if any people were anti-war, it’d be people who will probably be blown to smithereens, right?

Wrong.

You'll never meet anyone so glad the U.S. entered Iraq in the first place. Armenians are a minority in Iraq, because Armenians are usually Christian and Christians aren't exactly the "in crowd" in Arab nations. I don't want to get into gory details, but talk about scary persecution.

And even though buildings in the neighborhoods of Tom's relatives have been bombed by American firepower, they are still all for the war, because they understand that Saddam was evil, in the way comic book villains are evil. There was no positive light to shine on his reign. In fact, he was/is so evil that it does not matter how we got to him, because it had to be done.

People bitch and moan about the fact that we're sticking our noses where they don't belong and we're mucking up other people's lives and so on and so forth, but you know what? We are working against actual evil, and even if fighting fire with fire just leads to a blaze, fighting fire with paper doesn't lead to anything at all.

And while I'm at it, people should stop whining about Americans going after oil, not because we aren't (distressed sigh to punctuate) but because it's not as though certain other very vocally anti-American European countries are in the international media fray out of the goodness of their hearts. No. Instead, the reason France, etc., has been so publicly pissed is because France, Germany and Russia all had pre-negotiated oil contracts with Iraq that were supposed to take effect in 2003, and would have provided those countries with oil for many, many comfortable years. With the Iraqi invasion the US destroyed the oil contracts while simultaneously taking over the oil supply. That's a good reason for the governments to be upset, I agree. But that's not a humanitarian reason by any means.

I guess everyone's equally greedy then, OK?

I suppose someone mean is going to come along and tear me down and call me stupid sooner or later for this, citing my naiveté first and foremost -- How dare I refer to a dictator as evil! There's no such thing as real evil - people are just different!

But they're not, you see. There is good and bad, and even if all that gray everyone keeps referring does exist, mixing black and white together makes gray. I'm not saying America is perfectly good, or that the Iraqi leadership in the past has been perfectly evil, I'm just saying that the evil has been there at times and in parts, and however we could we have tried to stop it.

I don't want people to die ... but I also don't want people to live just so they can go on and kill other people. Some people do deserve to live more than others, some people are better off gone. I know that's harsh, I know that's not what people want to think about.

I know it's sad that in a world of bad guys there are no superheroes for us to idolize, no perfect men or women that we cannot tear down. How very sad that everyone is weak. How very sad that we must choose between imperfect and even more imperfect. How exceptionally sad that I look at the world as I know it and must choose between black and gray, rather then black and white.

But I am assured that the black exists, and it must be gotten rid of, and I understand that if it takes some gray to do that, than so be it.

Date:	2004-11-01 15:52
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crazy
Music:	Brad's rambling

I am good, and you?

Also, G'oozoom Chai, which means "I want tea" in Armenian, and G'oozoom choor, which means "I want water."

Yeah, so, I'm learning more every day.

The stress of it all is giving me headaches.

Oh! And I'll be in LA this weekend, at the Lakers vs. Spurs game with Tom (who I love and bought the tickets for) and then at Disneyland, to watch the first fake snowfall on Main Street this season.

It's so romantic.

I'm actually very excited, but it's like I have SO much to go on and on about that I'm afraid to even start, so I won't.

But I will say that I have physics homework to maim, and dance practice, and the gym and everything ... but first, first! I must go read the new chapter of Kelley Armstrong's online serial.

Date:	2004-10-20 12:38
Subject:	Bulimia
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Garbage, No Doubt, The Distillers - Call Me (Blondie Cover)

Directions for a good purge (I've been meaning to articulate this crap a long time, so listen):

Start by drinking at least one glass of water, or other thin fairly tasteless liquid. Nothing acidic, definitely not orange juice. You'll regret it later if you do (nasty). More water is better. (Watch out though -- if you drink more than four glasses of anything, the purge will become somewhat projectile, although the more projectile, the quicker you tend to be done, so, I guess it's all personal preference.)

Eat quickly, and don't chew very well. You don't have to totally rush and weird out everyone at dinner, just don't take a nap afterward, you know? And try to swallow smaller bites rather than chewing, it makes it harder for your body to absorb the food. Plus, stuff (like little mac'n'cheese pastas) will come back up whole. See Ma? No calories.

Finish with more liquid, or ice cream, or something melty. It's easier on your throat.

Then, purge. Don't fall into the trap where you think: "Oh no! I've been chatting ten minutes and now I've finished digesting!" Ha. It takes hours for your body to fully digest something usually. I've waited up to thirty minutes before the grand puke, and everything still functioned like normal.

Date:	2004-10-18 20:47
Subject:	No Encore
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Jimmy Eat World - Pain

Walking out of the city dances (breaking ground, whatever) photo shoot tonight, I was sorely disappointed.

What's it like to be the one everybody thinks is pretty, the traditional beauty with the long, flowing locks and the pearly teeth? To have Stephanie choose you for extra pictures - for no real reason at all - just because standing there in your ranky sweatshirt you looked so damn pretty?

Nothing on Maria, it's not personal. Or even Stephanie. I just want to kill myself for not being the best sometimes ... for not being the shining star. I want to be shining star material, but it won't happen, I don't think.

I suspect that I'm just not thin enough for Stephanie's tastes. I have people remind me often that I am a normal size. I'm wearing a size six jean right now, and there loose, and that's OK, but.... I don't live in a size six world. What size six girl has flat abs? And solid, sculpted triceps? None. That's a four, or a two. Or less.

ANd, after all, Stephanie is used to the musculature of the Alvin Ailey dancers -- I can't hope to compare. I think, "well, if I don't eat anything but veggies and fish for a while...." But it's not that easy. I can't even afford to live off vegetables and fish alone, it's too freaking expensive. Eating right costs too much. When I'm at school, and I've been dancing for an hour, and I'm starved from not eating yet that day, what's affordable and filling? Yeah, that'd be a Costco muffin. Those things are basically butter and sugar molded into a giant cupcake.

My heart soared when Stephanie said: "How you doin' there? He likes to take pictures of you." But then, that was it. I just did my regular poses. No encore.

She offered Daphne an encore too.

I feel such a strong urge to impress Stephanie, to show her - Look! I'm here! Look at my arch, my plie'! Look at my strong back! My long neck! I am a swan! I will do anything to be a swan!

But then I catch myself in the mirror... I see my weak abs, my poor turn-out, my flabby arms. I see that I am not getting called back for an encore. I see the label in my size six jeans, distinct in a pile of size threes. My big, ugly runner's thighs are magnified by the shine of my tights, my thick ankles make my feet look flat.

Some of these girls were just born dancers, and they don't even care, they don't even know. I didn't even know I wanted to dance until recently, and now, I want to dance all the time.

I don't know how to end this. I want to be a professor still, but if I was good, if I could be a dancer, I would. Isn't that something? Who knew? Next semester I'm taking five dance courses. Isn't that nuts? I'm enrolled in one architecture course, two if you count Physics 4C, which is an Arch. requirement.

They say the proof is in the pudding, but I can't just decide to do something I'm not made to do, can I? I wasn't born to be a dancer, I just wish I was.

Date:	2004-10-13 11:46
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hungry
Music:	MPR -- the Limbough-hater

I need to go eat, because if I don't I'm going to mess up my mental schedule, and I'll have to eat at four and nine-thirty like a freak.

Second hunger winds are weird.

But first:

I had a dream, two nights ago, and it was one of those really, really real dreams. Tom was at the bottom of a staircase, and he proposed. In my dream, I never got around to answering, but I was meaning yes.

It was so real. For about five minutes after I woke up, I thought I was engaged, but then I realized I'd never seen that staircase before.

It's enough to make a girl cry.

Date:	2004-10-06 23:31
Subject:	Pictures
Security:	Public
Mood:	complacent
Music:	Lately, I am so silent

I just wrote this whole big thing, and then Whitney came home and pissed me off, and then aol died (stupid me, using the aol browser anyway), and then it was just ... phhuughghg.

But, the whole big thing, as it were, ended up culminating in my narcissism and a bunch of pictures, since I was pondering the changes in looks from my junior high era (I told you - narcissism). Anyway, here's some stuff:

This is me in seventh grade getting some weird academic award for being too smart. Note how everyone else is dressed, and how I am dressed. yes, that green thing was my little brother's soccer jersey. And yes, my lipstick was black.



These next two are much more recent, and I think I look rather ghostly, personally. Blame the flash and my less-than-average photography skills...





Since I don't want only static shots, here is a picture of me trying not to run over Johnathon (who was taking the picture) while surfing:



The above picture also serves to deny any possible cuteness suggested by the two recent pictures. Those were obviously flukes. I mean, girls are supposed to look cute while surfing, right? But no, when I surf, I get the facial expression of Forrest Gump playing Ping Pong. Not to mention the hair -- oh, glorious...

And finally, to round everything off ....



Duckies are cute! This I took at Disneyland, and this adorable little duck family was just hanging out by the castle. It was awesome. If I was a duck, I'd definitely live in a castle mote. Wouldn't you?

Date:	2004-10-06 00:23
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Theme from Disney's "Mulan"

It's really far too late to be journeling... Oy Vey! I'm going to be tired tomorrow.

Today I took my 2nd ULTRA SCARY PHYSICS (for Scientists AND Engineers) TEST. Yeah, I almost threw up in class, it was so scary. I am such a school weeny, but at least I know I'm not alone, because Emmanuel also admitted to butterflies prior to testing, and everyone looked quite peaked when two'o'clock rolled around.

If I don't get at least a C, I'm seriously going to put myself on probation. I haven't done so terribly in a class since ... since ...

Oh, crap. Since high school. Back when I was a sort-of-slacker. Back when I failed algebra (yeah, you heard me, I failed stuff, before I got addicted to my high GPA fanciness).

Today, my favorite words are as follows: "beverage" and "establishment." As in, "Could you purchase a beverage in said establishment?" These are my favorite words (of the day!) because today Sushana and I used them in sentences, repeatedly. If you ever want anyone to take you seriously, you should not use words like "beverage" and "establishment." It seems like you should, but that's just one of those Terribly Wrong Assumptions.

Oh, and also? Just this very second I was smacked retarded by a memory. A recent memory. Involving the test I have to take tomorrow at EIGHT AM.

Can we get another round of Oy Vey? Yes, yes we can.

I want to go to Disneyland. This is all just a dumb waste of my youth, right? I'm obviously destined for greatness, and I doubt it'll find me in Fresno. So, no problem.

I'm going to bed now.

Date:	2004-09-29 23:10
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	Nut'n Honey!

Tom and I might be going through a "rough patch." Or, at least, as a girl who never fully understood the phrase "rough patch" I think I now understand, and I also think that's what's going on.... Did that make sense?

If "rough patch" means that weird stuff is weirdly awkward (we've known each other three years, I've farted on his lap, why is car-silence strange all of a sudden?), and that over half our conversations turn into stupid arguments about stuff we already know about each other that doesn't even matter anyway, then yeah, this is a "rough patch."

Why am I throwing hissy fits about things that have never bothered me before? Why do I care if he's a terrible, inefficient clothes shopper? I have known that since our first month when we went to senior high prom together! Why am I bitchy at him in Macys because he won't try on a purple mock-turtleneck sweater? (He said it was "gay," and in retrospect ... he was right.)

Why am I bitchy?

In an act of passive-aggressive fury, I hid my sister's car keys right before she had to go to school, so that she'd be late.

I am so angry lately!

(PS: I "found" them very quickly -- the guilt was eating me alive! And just in case anyone's curious, she deserved it, she was yelling at me for nothing again.)

Oddly enough, I'm just fine right now, as I've burned off any possible anger with a combination of running, dance rehearsal, and capoeira.

In Retrospect: A Summery of Recent Events
-- Kim visited last weekend, it was fun. She just got back from D.C. and meeting Mike, who is quite possibly the love of her life. Also, she might be pregnant with their love-child because the condom broke. Life is crazy. My first friend with a real, live internet meeting love-child. Not that she's necessarily pregnant, hopefully she's not.
-- I've raised $1149.60 for Team in Training in the last two and a half weeks from my letters alone. There are still 56 letters floating around out there, I'm hoping they'll all be answered and include nice, pretty personalized checks!

I am an idiot.

Do you wonder why? Do you ask yourself, "Why would Lindsay say such a mean thing about herself?"

You shouldn't, it's fairly obvious. The proof, is, after all, in the pudding. Or lack of pudding, as it were.

Tonight, I left the house with roughly $80 in my wallet. I stopped and put ten dollars worth of gas in my car, and went to the gym, where I proceeded to run six miles, training so I can race to raise money for children with cancer. While I was upstairs in Ballys doing that, someone evil was downstairs in Ballys, stealing money from my wallet. Someone who was apparently doing it for kicks too, because they were nice enough to leave me a five dollar bill, as if to say: "... Just in case you don't have enough gas in your car to get home, or something. Haha."

Ironically, I seriously thought on my way to the gym whether or not I should take my purse in, because my wallet has been stolen at the gym before. Unfortunately, I decided that terrible, terrible experience was a fluke -- after all, how many people are evil thieves? -- and I took in my purse.

I am a naive idiot.

I just go around assuming people are good. Now I'm I can't stop trying to figure out who did it.... Those loud older ladies in the spa, simmering and yelling and acting all fat? That quiet Indian girl (beautiful, like a model) who got dressed to leave next to me in the locker room? The weird little silent janitor chick who always dusts the machines while people are still in the process of using them?

You know, you can't hardly trust anyone at all anymore.

I hate people, they destroy my faith in humanity.

PS: That was all I had. I had to put that money in the bank, now I'm probably going to overdraft. I won't be able to eat or buy gas for the rest of the week.

Oh yeah, and I came home, crying at the shock and injustice, and my sister goes: "What's wrong?"

So, I reply, telling her above tale of horror, to which she says, pointedly: "Well, you should have left your purse in your car."

No shit. I should shave her eyebrows while she sleeps, the little wench.

...get your twangers out and play w/ your balls!

This is funny. Oh, oh, OH! So funny.

http://www.keenaschips.co.uk/index.php?page=articles/misc_rainbow

"...One skin, two skin, three skin...four---" ROTFLMAO.

"Yes, it's my plucking instrument!"

"And Jane's got two lovely moraccas!"

... Oh, for goodness sakes....

Date:	2004-09-13 23:05
Subject:	Subversive Lions Roar
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated
Music:	"Velocity of Love" - Suzanne Ciani

I should be finishing my "sandlion" for environmental design, only, I don't think I can bear looking at it.

It's not a bad lion really, in an artsy-fartsy Picasso-meets-Preschooler sort of way.

It wouldn't be so bad except that it's supposed to be made of sand. If it just had to be a picture of a lion roaring, I'd be down. All the way downtown, baby. But, that's not the case.

And did I mention that it is in no freaking way architectural? And that Environmental Design is an architecture course? And I'm going to be the only weirdo who painted a roaring lion with watercolors and India ink?

Sometimes, no matter how much I love architecture, I'm still smacked in the face with how subversive it makes me. Outright, I can't hide it anymore because when it comes down to it, I draw lions. I realize too late and the truth comes out: I am not an architect -- I am just a pretender. I'm not a painter, or a dancer, or a runner, or a writer, but I dabble in all of them so who can tell?

I am passionate about these things, but I feel inadequate at times. At a lot of times.

::sigh::

I better go throw some dimensions on a painting of a lion and try to make it look like an architectural plan.

I'm feeling grumpy and stilted. And I know that honestly, despite all this crap, I like my lion. My lion is just super. But it's not exactly what anyone else is looking for, you know? And it just sucks to know that. I wish I could know that I'm doing it right, but I'm not. I know that.

I'm walking the right path in the wrong shoes maybe. I think everyone else might be wearing heels, or something. I doubt I'd be the one in heels, anyway.